Well, 2016, you've certainly given me a nice warm welcome so far...and no, I'm not just being sarcastic about the weather...
It has been a rough few weeks...or month...I think I've lost track...
For a while now, I've been dealing with more frequent and severe symptoms, even more so than "normal" for me. It has been draining physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, you get the idea.
It's not for a lack of trying that my symptoms are out of control. If anything, I would say we are so so so close to actually getting somewhere...we're just not there yet...
In some ways, I think it's even harder to be in this position than when we still didn't have a diagnosis. When we didn't know what we were up against, it kinda made sense when we were still scrambling for effective treatment. Now, we know what we're fighting, but treatment is still just far enough out of our reach that we're left scrambling.
It's like that feeling you get when you KNOW the answer, it's on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't get it out. Or when you're reaching as far as you can into a narrow space and your fingers brush again whatever you are trying to grab, but you just can't seem to get a hold on it.
We'll get there eventually, I have to believe that, but in these moments of complete weakness, frustration, and discouragement, it can still seem so far off.
I just got discharged yesterday after what ended up being almost a full week in the hospital. Less than one week into the new year and we had 2 ER trips on back to back days, and then ended up being admitted.
What was my OneWord for this year again?? Oh yeah...VICTORY...
Yes, I am a bit discouraged. Starting 2016 with a hospital stay was NOT really what I had in mind when I was choosing victory as my OneWord. But I'm also hopeful. Where can I go now but up, right??
Don't answer that...haha =P
Victory can't come if there isn't a chance for defeat. You can't win a game if there is no chance you can lose. Nothing can be overcome if there is no challenge to begin with. God can't shine if there is no darkness. If I want my life to be a testimony of who God is and what He can do (and I do), then I HAVE to expect tough times and challenges.
Yes, life is hard right now. But the less I can do in my own power, the more I HAVE to and the more I GET to rely on God. Even though I can't see the end of this season of life right now, I am so looking forward to the time when I will be able to look back and say with complete confidence that God was with us every step of the way. I truly believe that God is blessing Nick and me with an incredible testimony of His goodness and faithfulness that we would not feel if life were "easy" right now. Doesn't mean I don't cry for him to take the pain and struggles, but it does mean that I trust Him and look forward to seeing what God does through this.
So yes, 2016 is off to a rough start, but that's okay. I'm ready for some VICTORY this year, and while I don't know what that looks like or what that will bring, I do know that I'm on the winning team. This time next year, I look forward to being able to share the incredible things God will have done over the year as He brings about VICTORY in my life...whatever that may look like.