I know I haven't done much of an update lately, so I thought I would do one now...I tend to not feel like sitting down and writing a blog when I'm feeling good, so in this case, consider no news good news! Mostly...
I think I can always come up with something that's not going as well as I would like. If my stomach has been cooperating, chances are my MCAS is acting up and vice versa. Case in point: this past week I had 2 smoke incidences. The first happened while I was at one of my classes Wednesday night. During the break in between sessions I had been sitting with a friend just talking. A guy walked by who had very obviously been smoking. I started flushing and coughing almost immediately. My friend I had been talking with happened to be an ER nurse so she left the room with me to make sure I was going to be okay. Once I got away from the smoke I was fine, but the smell was so strong in our classroom that I ended up deciding to leave class early so I didn't get exposed to any more smoke. Episode 2 happened at school on Thursday while I was studying for my last final (!!!). Apparently the powers that be decided that we needed motion sensing lights (not new carpet after the toilets overflowed last year...new lights...) and the guys who were installing them would leave about every 30 minutes to go smoke. Again, REALLY??? I get that there is no smoking allowed in the building, but when smoking is allowed on campus, SMOKE GETS IN THE BUILDING. Sorry, mini-rant, but really. I don't think people understand how much of an issue this can be for some people....I get that some people want to smoke and that is there decision and I respect their choice even if I don't agree with it, but there needs to be some sort of regulation because there is a huge health risk (not just for me) with smoke being in the buildings. I couldn't even sit in my office on Friday because there was still a huge smoke smell lingering...
Anyway, enough of my ranting. Thankfully I was able to catch them early enough that I could get away and not going into a full reaction. I guess I'm learning something! But honestly, it can be frustrating. I feel like I'm standing on a balance board and trying to stand in the middle and keep either end from touching. When I get my GI issues "off the ground" the MCAS seems to flare or if my POTS symptoms are low then I'm having evening long dates with the porcelain throne...I just want to get everything in balance and feel like things are under control.
And there's the kicker...I was praying about this the other day. Not that God would take it away because I believe strongly that He is using this is so many ways to bless me and others in ways I can't fully see right now. I wasn't complaining (at least not that time) but asking for strength because I was feeling so worn down. And I did ask God why there always had to be something. I'm not questioning why I deal with these medical issues, but sometimes it just feels overwhelming. I didn't get an answer that day...but a few days later I was reading my Bible and came across these verses:
"I will send terror ahead of you to drive out the Hivites, Canaanites, and Hittites.But I will not drive them
out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the
wild animals would multiply and threaten you. I will drive them out a little at a time until your population has increased enough to take possession of the land."
God is telling the Israelites that He will not forget His promise to give them the land and is going to drive out their enemies for them. Except He is not going to do it all at once...why? Because He knows they wouldn't be able to handle it yet. There were not able to manage all the land God wanted to give them on their own yet so He was going to give it to them little by little and would prepare them step-by-step.
Now if I take this verse and apply it to myself...my GP can be the Hivites, my POTS the Canaanites, and MCAS the Hitties. God is saying He is not going to take them all away at once. Maybe He knows I'm not capable of dealing with whatever may come if I didn't have these struggles. Maybe He knows that without reminders of my weakness I would become prideful and strive to do everything in my own strength. Maybe He knows that if I was healed instantly (just like if the enemies were driven out immediately) I would have less of a reason to rely on Him for my daily strength. Maybe He knows how much I need to see His faithfulness over and over again, rather than all at once because I'm human and I forget so easily.
What's the common theme there?? MAYBE HE KNOWS - no maybe about it. The most incredible part of those verses for me is that God explained to the Israelites WHY He wasn't going to drive out their enemies all at once...and He didn't have to. God doesn't own us any explanations. He is God and we are not, end of story. But God loves us deeply and because of that love, sometimes (not always) gives us a glimpse of His plan. For us now it might be through the stories in the Bible like this one. It gives me a reminder that HE KNOWS and that is enough.
I don't know why I can't seem to get my balance board perfectly balanced, but I know the One who can balance it for me and more importantly be there with me. I have seen times when things are in sync and it's great! I have also had times where it seems like I'm hitting the ground on every side and feeling like I'm falling off the board. But there is beauty in those times too...because while I'm flailing my arms wildly realizing how little control I have, my God is always right there to catch me and hold me in His arms.